I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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