Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
