there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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