So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
