but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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