buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
