Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
