Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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