I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
