I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
