it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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