Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
