Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
