I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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