Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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