the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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