I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
