Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
