singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
