he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
