she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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