im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
