so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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