Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
