I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
