new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
