why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
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