she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
