My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
