if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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