I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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