apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
