Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
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im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
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He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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