watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
