Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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