He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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