I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
it glows. i had to have it.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
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Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
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Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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