We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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