I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
