I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
