I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
