Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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