Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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