He uses pillows to masturbate.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
