That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
