You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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