why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
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Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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