Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
