I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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