Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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