I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
