i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
