i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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