i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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