I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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