Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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