Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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