So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
