my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
